Purse on Oobs needing help being interesting

Holy cat fight.

My darling oobs, if I resorted to commenting on other people’s blogs which are clearly self-indulgent attempts to give significance to trivial activities, I might cry too. Have you nothing better to write about? I feel like you should probably find something (because your copy/paste of stock values has already been received and discarded as a mass email by all of our readers months ago…). Here are some ideas:

1. How to graduate law school without going to class
2. Semi-celeb stalking 101
3. “Top Ten Cutest College Quarterbacks”
4. A post mourning the loss of Purse when you move across the country
5. Tell ridiculous stories about your ridiculous antic
6. Give tips on how to get by when the bank account is running low
7. The advantages/disadvantages of addy
8. Clear up what it is that you do when you go off radar for days at a time
9. “Cat training – Why Hal is cool and I can’t post pics of anything but cats.”
10. Make a list of all the things you’d do to get the boys to record a song with you
11. Write apology letters for all those you’ve offended or abused

Need I go on?

Love you, darling – stop making fun of me – I’m restraining myself here.

Oobs on Purse's Dumbass Blog

I just read Purse's personal blog, you know the one she does without me because she has some sort of mental defect that makes her think that other people want to read about her life. Anyways, her latest blog said I was crying today and it felt good. Her blog was titled Cry Baby Cry. I would urge you to go read it except that I wouldn't want you to waste two minutes of your life like I just did. Seriously Purse every time I read your blog I want to slit my wrists. Maybe because my life has culminated into this moment where I am actually reading other people's blogs on the computer.... but I think that it's because listening to your exciting, stimulating life makes me jealous and sad. I will never have a life as full as yours. And that makes me cry.

Oobs on Investing

If you had purchased $1000 shares of in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49 today.

If you had purchased $1000 shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33 today.

If you had purchased $1000 shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0 today.
But if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you will have $214. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-keg. Bottoms up!

Oobs on Purse's Jizz Belly

First of all does anyone else see the irony here. Purse is from Indiana and she says I have bad taste that's like Quagmeier standing next to a midget and saying he is tall enough to play in the NBA. She doesn't even like House. Sacrebleu! I guess when you like to bang assholes you are less likely to watch them diagnosing people on t.v.

Purse is sitting here next to me drinking a glass of wine and complaining about how much Bones sucks. She then lifts up her shirt (just to her belly button get your mind out of the gutter people) and she asks me does my stomach feel weird? It feels kind of sticky. So yeah, I poke her in the belly (he he) and her stomach is kind of sticky. I tell her maybe you should use some lotion and she says I did use lotion. And I of course have to ask were you sure it was lotion? Are you sure you weren't the victim of some disgruntled employee at the lotion factory? (Actually with Purse I kind of wanted to ask are you sure you washed your stomach thouroughly when you were in the shower.) Lord knows that girl gets jizzed on the stomach about as often as other girls have a sip of wine and talk about Gossip Girl.

Purse on Oobs' burritos

Medium blows. Oobs has terrible taste in television. Bones? seriously? Can we say 'overacting?'? I mean, I humor her when it comes to 21 Jumpstreet because those lines are just too classic to pass up, but Bones? Really?

While we fight over the remote...

One burrito down, 23 to go. That's right. 24 god damned burritos. Why? Why? well. Let's just say it will take 24 burritos, a bikini wax and fake press pass for Oobs to get laid by the 2nd man of her dreams (Cocks ... er ... Cox is number one).

I am proud to say I will get to witness how all of this unfolds. If you're lucky, I'll share the experience with you...if you're really lucky, you'll get a burrito.

God I hate homeless people.

I Miss College

Biff and Oobs on Quag (Drunkmeier on break)

Dear Quag,

Now that spring break has come to an end we have the following suggestions about how one should behave on a spring break trip:

1) Don't piss out the window of a moving vehicle. Especially if that vehicle is driving on the freeway.

2) Hitting on every girl in sight is not alway the best policy especially when every girl in sight is under eighteen and accompanied by her parents.

3) Calling your ex girlfriend a ginormous cunt at four o clock in the morning will alert security. Be careful.

4) Subsequently calling that ex girlfriend back and professing your undying love for her will not get you back in her good graces especially when it is five minutes after you just called her a ginormous cunt.

5) Little irish men should not shove a drunken pedestrian who has stars shaven into his head outside his car window because the driver might get sucker punched in the face. (Biff says fuck you Quag I'm not your meat shield.)

6) Although golfing in the Florida sun is fun maybe next time you should take better care of your balls. Biff and ODB only have so many balls and they like to use them for themselves. (On a side note to ODB please don't call random female streetwalkers hookers because the driver might get sucker punched in the face.)

7) You are not as funny as Craig Ferguson, Chris Rock, or cancer.

8) If you smoke more than one pack of cigarettes a day then guess what you are... a smoker.

9) You should buy a toothbrush the first day you get to Florida, not the third day.

10) And finally, see Oobs most recent blog about the links between alcohol and cancer... although you should worry more about the effects alcohol has on being a douchebag.

Hugs and Kisses!
Biff and Oobs

Oobs on Shout Outs

Fine Lee..... Fine. I am going to out gay myself by doing a shout out to you. I haven't seen you in over ten years but you did sign up for my blog so what's up home slice. Hola. Bonjour. Adios.

Oobs and Purse on that stupid bitch (aka Feckless Wonder)

It has come to my attention that there is another blog on blogspot called fecklesswonder. I would just like to say that I don't care that you made your blog in 2007. You have one fucking entry and it is a very, very gay entry. Also you are from Georgia, which means you probably have one tooth and are married to your first cousin. Also I hate you for using my awesome, original name, which feels much less awesome and original since I found your stupid blog. Oh and one more thing.... A feckless wonder is sad and pathetic.... Feckless wonders are mysterious and.... awe inspiring.... and hot.... and they smell good.... and.... and.... at least I have one friend you loser.

Oobs on Missing the Reunion of All Reunions

So yeah, I was supposed to go to New York last weekend and it didn't pan out. I was sad about it but not completely devastated until I found out what I missed. What did I miss you may ask? Only the REUNIONS OF ALL REUNIONS. Four of the coolest guys I have ever come into contact with from three different parts of the country assembled in the Big Apple for a night of debauchery and ridiculousness. These guys are the most amazing, outrageous people to ever walk the earth. Some of the great times I had with them are as follows:

- Taking a limo ride to AC... peeing in the bushes and getting caught by the popo. Secret finger jobs. Jacuzzi splashing englishmen, and Uncle Remo losing all his money to his girlfriend's dismay.

- Last year of college... drinking on the steps... peeing on the Alma Mater... security comes and chases everybody but only catches one of them who manages to talk his way out of it.

- Lots of beer pong.... Boobs flashing... Asshole... Kings... Not exactly in that order.

- The Brit trying to start a fight with a drunken Will outside of Coronets only the popo shows up and he prances away like the dandy he is.

- Spring break with the fire extinguisher mishap which led to what? Getting kicked out of the dorm, which led to an appeal to not get kicked out of the dorm, which led to the University forgetting about the whole incident. Score one for Uncle Remo.

- New Hampshire telling me his greatest wish was to feed me until I grew so fat that I would be unable to get out of bed and he would just keep me in a room and keep on feeding me. Thank you silence of the lambs.

- J and Uncle Remo thought it was a great idea to drink an entire bottle of 151 in two hours.... They started strong and finished lying on the couch puking into trashcans.

This is only a few of the top stories I remember.... mostly because I drank so much I can't remember shit.... I do remember that I wanted to be at this reunion and I am super depressed that I wasn't there. DAMN YOU Lee, Myles, Jay, and Remo..... Damn you all!

Oobs on Drinking and Cancer.

A new study reveals that even moderate drinking can raise a woman's risk.

The latest piece of evidence on the risks of drinking alcohol comes from researchers at Oxford University who studied more than 1.2 million women in the United Kingdom. They found that drinking alcohol may account for about 13 percent of all breast, liver, rectal and upper digestive tract cancers in women.

More shocking, even small amounts of alcohol seemed to increase the cancer risk. When compared with women who drank two or fewer alcoholic beverages per week, those drinking up to six alcoholic beverages had a 2 percent greater risk for cancer in general; those consuming between seven and 14 drinks per week had a 5 percent increased risk for cancer; and those consuming 15 or more drinks a week had a 15 percent increased risk for cancer.

I’m seriously fucked because I thought drinking 15 or more drinks per week was good for you. Fucking doctors. What was the point of this study? We already know that drinking heavily can cause dementia, vitamin B1 deficiency, cerebellar degeneration, stroke, liver damage, hepatitis, cirrhosis, gastritis, pancreatic, arrhythmia, and hypertension, etc. I still binge drink regularly.

But now that I know drinking will increase my risk of getting cancer by fifteen percent… How did they even come up with that number? All these cancer studies in my mind are suspect. That’s because it seems to me everything causes cancer. I’ve heard white bread, diet coke, and deodorant can cause cancer.

When they invent a time machine that allows someone with cancer today to go back in time ala Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure style to warn their former self not to drink to see if they get cancer the second time around…. And that person refrains from imbibing and then doesn’t get cancer. Well then I’d consider cutting back on my alcohol consumption. That would be a pretty clear cut study on the effects of alcohol, because it’s the same person see? It wouldn’t matter if they were genetically predisposed to getting cancer because the first time around they did and the second time around they didn’t and the one change was the alcohol.

So, in conclusion, the only thing that would stop me from drinking is a time machine.

You'd Cry Too

Biff Yelping

Canadian Bacon on Leatherface.

Her name is Leatherface because she smokes like a chimney, lays on a tanning bed, drinks like a fifty year old alcoholic, and fucks like a cheap prostitute. All that smoke, booze, and cum sits on her face making it hard and wrinkly like my awesome leather jacket.
On Thursday we all came across Leatherface. The girl who made the line "so I'm dicking this girl" famous. Last year a bunch of us saw our friend "Gets a lot of ass" and he told us this story that went like this..."So I'm dickin' this girl right and miracle number 1 is that I am able to "roll on." Then she gets this phone call from an ex-boyfriend and they start fighting on the phone. Then I start to think about if I was that guy how I wouldn't want to have some guy fucking her..." And so it continued on about how he couldn't have sex with this girl any more.
So, Thursday night we ran into Leatherface... She told us that she was giving up dick and Jameson for lent because in her words... "one leads to the other." Although she isn't really giving up dick. She is giving up stranger dick, which is funny because if you knew the kind of guys she likes to fuck you would no that there is nothing stranger then a guy wanting to fuck her. I think most guys want to feed her a carrot, slap a saddle on her and ride her into the sunset.

Oobs on Purse being a DUMBASS

So Purse is in Las Vegas and I hope she loses lots of money because I just found out this bitch has a side blog that she is writing on instead of writing on this one. You're in trouble Purse. Big trouble.

Oobs throwing shit at Purse

Oobs, Purse, and Drunkmeier on You’s the Faux.

The real this week's roast:

8 Mile without the class or the Talent. That’s right! We said it. You’s the Faux is on our radar this week because she has consistently failed to subscribe to this blog. So she is going to be fully roasted right now more than Canadian Bacon at a down syndrome convention. (Canadian Bacon will be roasted at a later time.)
Technically You’s the Faux is rumored to have a vagina and she may have tits (albeit it be bitch tits) but for the first two years of law school she partook in a circle jerk of narcissism. You’s the Faux may not be a real dude but she is tough. One night Drunkmeier begged her to punch him in the face. Why? Because it was Drunkmeier. Why did she actually do it? According to Drunkmeier it is because he fucking told her to. And yes she did. She knocked him a good one in the face and his shit was sore for two weeks. It was memoralized on Ol’ Yellers cell phone.
The bitch is built like a linebacker. She tackled Biff onto the bed like Jerome Bettis tackled Carson Palmer in the 2004 AFC north playoffs. And boom goes the dynamite.
Years from now You’s the Faux and her future husband are going to get that age old question… So where did you meet dad? And she’s going to have to admit that she was drunk, and bored at Finn McCools. Zing. And boom roast the dynamite.
But baby everybody loves you.
(P.S. this blog may leave something to be desired since Drunkmeier is fueled by his beer bought breast peep show tonight. He is thinking about four, perky boobs not the funky melons on You’s the Faux chest.)
(P.P.S. Drunkmeier called me “intellectually dishonest” for not showing him my boobs again.)

Purse on Oobs stealing my cell

God damned kleptomaniac. Here I was trying to be a good friend. I was really trying. I know that I usually suck at it, but you know, I was trying. So I agree to take care of Oobs pussy . Her pussy’s name is Hal. He was a great kid all week.

Then fucking Oobs comes back to pick Hal. While Oobs is at my place, she decides it’s a good idea to put MY phone in HER pocket, and leave.

Now, I know Oobs has some issues, so she gets away with a lot of sub-par behavior, but this is just ridiculous. She took my cell from my apartment, and took it home with her under the guise that “it looks like mine.” For the record, hers is twice as wide, twice as heavy, and silver, while mine is black.

I wish the story ended here. But it doesn’t. Twenty four hours later, I come to Oob’s place to pick up my phone. Not only did she admit to almost forgetting that I was coming to get my phone, leaving me without communication or mode of communicating to her that she forgot about me (bitch), but when she finally returns it, it’s battery COVER IS MISSING.

“Hey, Oobs…what in the hell happened to the back of my phone.”

“Oh!” she says innocently, bends over to the bottom of her shelf, revealing three inches of her no-thonged ass crack. “Here it is!”

WTF Oobs. You don’t take someone’s cell, break it and then hide the pieces in your apartment. What were you going to do with my batter cover Oobs? Why were you hiding it from me? I can only imagine…

Oobs on the Second Roast

And the second roast goes to..... Oobs and Purse.
What a bunch of lazy bitches! What has it been three weeks and they're already bored with this stupid thing. I was at a memorial service this week.... what was your excuse Purse? Busy perusing match.com for that future douchebag soulmate? Although to be fair.... no one reads this fucking thing anyways so I guess everyone gets the roast this week. Us for being lazy and you for not caring that we're lazy.

Purse and Oobs on Whiskey Dick.

Only if we were married with kids.

The First Weekly Roast:
Whiskey Dick is a mother fucker, literally. Wish is ironic because with a dick as small as his you’d think he’d want a tight pussy. What can we say about Whiskey Dick that hasn’t already been made infamous by Mr. Power Hour’s lyrics? Whiskey Dick is the kind of guy you take home to your mom on Thanksgiving and say “ha ha, just kidding.”

Here’s the run down on Whiskey Dick…. Last year he broke up a marriage. Launched a lamp through a wall. He moved to California. Moved back a month later. Hey Whiskey Dick… why did you move back if California is the only thing you like to talk about?
This is what we think about people obsessed with the state of California… They are 1) fucking crazy 2) they are probably from some bullshit hick state that puts the in front of proper nouns.

This is the first of our weekly Roasts so in what will soon become an awesome tradition we present to you Oobs and Purse’s Advice to Whiskey Dick:
1) Cialis
2) Stop trying to fuck your way into a family instead of just starting one on your own.
3) Some clocks have alarms. Maybe try buying one.
4) If you keep drinking like you do your liver is going to end up looking like this….
5) 90 miligrams of adderall is probably too much.
6) Finally, you’re the first because you’re the easiest (to get into bed with, you man whore) and because we know you’ll be a good sport.

Oobs on Merrill Lynch

John Thain

For nearly 700 lucky Merrill Lynch employees, 2008 was a million-dollar year, even though the brokerage firm lost $27 billion. On a day the chief executives of eight large banks were questioned about their industry’s excesses on Capitol Hill, Andrew M. Cuomo, the attorney general of New York State, raised hackles by disclosing how Merrill Lynch distributed its $3.6 billion 2008 bonus pool.

The payments, made just before Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America in December, have already stirred anger for being paid earlier than usual. And Mr. Cuomo made it clear that the bulk of the bonuses were paid to a small portion of Merrill Lynch’s 39,000 employees.

If that $3.6 billion had been evenly disbursed among Merrill’s work force each person would have received about $91,000. Instead, the top four bonus recipients received a total of $121 million.

Before the merger, Bank of America was seen as one of the strongest US banks. Because of the Merrill deal, Bank of America suffered a fourth quarter 2008 loss of $15.31 billion, forcing it to ask for federal assistance. The federal bank bailout plan gave $20 billion and $118 billion worth of guarantees against bad assets to Bank of America.

So to summarize…. Merrill Lynch lost $27 billion last year. Bank of America took over Merrill Lynch and ended up losing $15.31 billion in last year’s fourth quarter. The government, using taxpayer money, gave Bank of America $20 billion. To 700 Merrill Lynch employees the math went like this: -$27 billion = +$3.6 billion for us because Bank of America took us over and we no longer have to worry about this shit. Now I wouldn’t say I’m an expert mathematician but I’ve run the numbers and I think they are spot on.

Now you may have thought that bonuses are actually monetary awards for a job well done. That’s where you’d be wrong. I mean what do you do when you fail miserably? You drown yourself in a tub of ice cream or go out to a bar and get shit faced. Of course that is when you do something like forget to make it to your evidence final or blow $435 at a strip club because you stupidly decided to open a tab and let Drunkmeier order shots of Jameson on it.

Now imagine you helped your company lose $27 billion in one year. There’s not enough booze in the world to make that failure disappear from your mind. So you do what Chief Executive Officer John Thain did… you go out and spend $1.2 million redecorating your office.

I know what some of you are thinking. You’re thinking how can someone spend $1.2 million on an office? That’s because you’re poor. If you had money you’d understand that being rich is two things; it’s awesome, and expensive.

When you’re rich you have to have fancy shit to impress your clients and colleagues. You can’t go to IKEA for a $50 area rug…. You need one that cost $87,000. And you can’t have just a regular toilet…. You need a fancy $35,115 commode on legs. My night stand cost $40 because I have no money. If I did I’d have done it like Thain…. $25,000 for a pedestal table and $68,000 for a 19th Century credenza.

So I guess my conclusion is… Get off of Merrill Lynch’s back people. Those guys were in serious need of those bonuses. On a side note I’m pretty sure Purse wants to sleep with Mr. Thain.

P.S. I don’t actually have a job yet so I don’t pay taxes. If I did pay taxes I would be on Merrill Lynch like Chris Brown was on Rihanna.

Oobs on the shortest man alive.

I think my cat could crush this guy...

Chinese He Pingping is the world's shortest man alive. He is certified by Guinness World Records at 2 feet, 5.17 inch-tall. He may never get to ride on a roller coaster but at least he'll save money on clothing. Can you say Baby Gap?

Look, it's the Asian Drunkmeier.

Purse on last night's video

WTF, Oobs. Why is it green? Did you try to feed our video Rx drugs?

Oobs on how long it took to upload that last video.

It's 11:11 and I just spent two hours trying to figure out how to upload a video onto this stupid site. I mean yes I enjoyed throwing my pussy at Purse's face but if I knew I'd have to stick around for two hours afterward I probably would have passed. Wait for next week when I throw my balls at her face.

Purse on Oobs

She wishes. Oobs is old. She's lived long enough to have every psychological ailment known to the western world, including but not limited to turrets, OCD, ADHD, SAD, syphilis, manic depression, hypochondria and munchausen syndrome. I love her anyway because she can make me laugh about 43 percent of the time. She smokes like a chimney, swears like a sailor and f*cks like a starfish. I love her anyway because she can make me laugh about 43 percent of the time.

She once had her purse stollen in broad daylight while my date watched cluelessly and helplessly, and instead of being upset, she bought a case of beer (with my money...) and wrote a song that is still quoted in the law school world today. Oobs is completely unpredictable and awesome. You'll love her, and she will make you laugh.

Oobs on Purse

I'm not actually on her. It's just an expression people. But if I was to get on her I would be by no means the first person to do so. I am not saying she's easy but she's seen more dick then the locker room attendant at Soldier Field. I'm talking about size not quantity people. Purse is the type of girl you hang out with only after you have taken about four shots of tequila. The next day you can't be sure if your hangover is from the booze or from talking with her for four hours. Both can give you a splitting headache and make you want to vomit in your shoes. Ah, Purse. What can I say about her? She's the only girl I know who got through the entire first year of law school with good grades only to decide "fuck it, I want to do something else." I was kind of pissed because I had a bet going that she'd last at least fourteen months. If she made it through third semester I could have made five hundred bucks. I guess I'll have to make that money the normal way. At the corner of State and Elm.