Oobs on Merrill Lynch

John Thain

For nearly 700 lucky Merrill Lynch employees, 2008 was a million-dollar year, even though the brokerage firm lost $27 billion. On a day the chief executives of eight large banks were questioned about their industry’s excesses on Capitol Hill, Andrew M. Cuomo, the attorney general of New York State, raised hackles by disclosing how Merrill Lynch distributed its $3.6 billion 2008 bonus pool.

The payments, made just before Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America in December, have already stirred anger for being paid earlier than usual. And Mr. Cuomo made it clear that the bulk of the bonuses were paid to a small portion of Merrill Lynch’s 39,000 employees.

If that $3.6 billion had been evenly disbursed among Merrill’s work force each person would have received about $91,000. Instead, the top four bonus recipients received a total of $121 million.

Before the merger, Bank of America was seen as one of the strongest US banks. Because of the Merrill deal, Bank of America suffered a fourth quarter 2008 loss of $15.31 billion, forcing it to ask for federal assistance. The federal bank bailout plan gave $20 billion and $118 billion worth of guarantees against bad assets to Bank of America.

So to summarize…. Merrill Lynch lost $27 billion last year. Bank of America took over Merrill Lynch and ended up losing $15.31 billion in last year’s fourth quarter. The government, using taxpayer money, gave Bank of America $20 billion. To 700 Merrill Lynch employees the math went like this: -$27 billion = +$3.6 billion for us because Bank of America took us over and we no longer have to worry about this shit. Now I wouldn’t say I’m an expert mathematician but I’ve run the numbers and I think they are spot on.

Now you may have thought that bonuses are actually monetary awards for a job well done. That’s where you’d be wrong. I mean what do you do when you fail miserably? You drown yourself in a tub of ice cream or go out to a bar and get shit faced. Of course that is when you do something like forget to make it to your evidence final or blow $435 at a strip club because you stupidly decided to open a tab and let Drunkmeier order shots of Jameson on it.

Now imagine you helped your company lose $27 billion in one year. There’s not enough booze in the world to make that failure disappear from your mind. So you do what Chief Executive Officer John Thain did… you go out and spend $1.2 million redecorating your office.

I know what some of you are thinking. You’re thinking how can someone spend $1.2 million on an office? That’s because you’re poor. If you had money you’d understand that being rich is two things; it’s awesome, and expensive.

When you’re rich you have to have fancy shit to impress your clients and colleagues. You can’t go to IKEA for a $50 area rug…. You need one that cost $87,000. And you can’t have just a regular toilet…. You need a fancy $35,115 commode on legs. My night stand cost $40 because I have no money. If I did I’d have done it like Thain…. $25,000 for a pedestal table and $68,000 for a 19th Century credenza.

So I guess my conclusion is… Get off of Merrill Lynch’s back people. Those guys were in serious need of those bonuses. On a side note I’m pretty sure Purse wants to sleep with Mr. Thain.

P.S. I don’t actually have a job yet so I don’t pay taxes. If I did pay taxes I would be on Merrill Lynch like Chris Brown was on Rihanna.

Oobs on the shortest man alive.

I think my cat could crush this guy...

Chinese He Pingping is the world's shortest man alive. He is certified by Guinness World Records at 2 feet, 5.17 inch-tall. He may never get to ride on a roller coaster but at least he'll save money on clothing. Can you say Baby Gap?

Look, it's the Asian Drunkmeier.

Purse on last night's video

WTF, Oobs. Why is it green? Did you try to feed our video Rx drugs?

Oobs on how long it took to upload that last video.

It's 11:11 and I just spent two hours trying to figure out how to upload a video onto this stupid site. I mean yes I enjoyed throwing my pussy at Purse's face but if I knew I'd have to stick around for two hours afterward I probably would have passed. Wait for next week when I throw my balls at her face.

Purse on Oobs

She wishes. Oobs is old. She's lived long enough to have every psychological ailment known to the western world, including but not limited to turrets, OCD, ADHD, SAD, syphilis, manic depression, hypochondria and munchausen syndrome. I love her anyway because she can make me laugh about 43 percent of the time. She smokes like a chimney, swears like a sailor and f*cks like a starfish. I love her anyway because she can make me laugh about 43 percent of the time.

She once had her purse stollen in broad daylight while my date watched cluelessly and helplessly, and instead of being upset, she bought a case of beer (with my money...) and wrote a song that is still quoted in the law school world today. Oobs is completely unpredictable and awesome. You'll love her, and she will make you laugh.

Oobs on Purse

I'm not actually on her. It's just an expression people. But if I was to get on her I would be by no means the first person to do so. I am not saying she's easy but she's seen more dick then the locker room attendant at Soldier Field. I'm talking about size not quantity people. Purse is the type of girl you hang out with only after you have taken about four shots of tequila. The next day you can't be sure if your hangover is from the booze or from talking with her for four hours. Both can give you a splitting headache and make you want to vomit in your shoes. Ah, Purse. What can I say about her? She's the only girl I know who got through the entire first year of law school with good grades only to decide "fuck it, I want to do something else." I was kind of pissed because I had a bet going that she'd last at least fourteen months. If she made it through third semester I could have made five hundred bucks. I guess I'll have to make that money the normal way. At the corner of State and Elm.