Purse on Oobs needing help being interesting

Holy cat fight.

My darling oobs, if I resorted to commenting on other people’s blogs which are clearly self-indulgent attempts to give significance to trivial activities, I might cry too. Have you nothing better to write about? I feel like you should probably find something (because your copy/paste of stock values has already been received and discarded as a mass email by all of our readers months ago…). Here are some ideas:

1. How to graduate law school without going to class
2. Semi-celeb stalking 101
3. “Top Ten Cutest College Quarterbacks”
4. A post mourning the loss of Purse when you move across the country
5. Tell ridiculous stories about your ridiculous antic
6. Give tips on how to get by when the bank account is running low
7. The advantages/disadvantages of addy
8. Clear up what it is that you do when you go off radar for days at a time
9. “Cat training – Why Hal is cool and I can’t post pics of anything but cats.”
10. Make a list of all the things you’d do to get the boys to record a song with you
11. Write apology letters for all those you’ve offended or abused

Need I go on?

Love you, darling – stop making fun of me – I’m restraining myself here.

Oobs on Purse's Dumbass Blog

I just read Purse's personal blog, you know the one she does without me because she has some sort of mental defect that makes her think that other people want to read about her life. Anyways, her latest blog said I was crying today and it felt good. Her blog was titled Cry Baby Cry. I would urge you to go read it except that I wouldn't want you to waste two minutes of your life like I just did. Seriously Purse every time I read your blog I want to slit my wrists. Maybe because my life has culminated into this moment where I am actually reading other people's blogs on the computer.... but I think that it's because listening to your exciting, stimulating life makes me jealous and sad. I will never have a life as full as yours. And that makes me cry.

Oobs on Investing

If you had purchased $1000 shares of in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49 today.

If you had purchased $1000 shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33 today.

If you had purchased $1000 shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0 today.
But if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you will have $214. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-keg. Bottoms up!

Oobs on Purse's Jizz Belly

First of all does anyone else see the irony here. Purse is from Indiana and she says I have bad taste that's like Quagmeier standing next to a midget and saying he is tall enough to play in the NBA. She doesn't even like House. Sacrebleu! I guess when you like to bang assholes you are less likely to watch them diagnosing people on t.v.

Purse is sitting here next to me drinking a glass of wine and complaining about how much Bones sucks. She then lifts up her shirt (just to her belly button get your mind out of the gutter people) and she asks me does my stomach feel weird? It feels kind of sticky. So yeah, I poke her in the belly (he he) and her stomach is kind of sticky. I tell her maybe you should use some lotion and she says I did use lotion. And I of course have to ask were you sure it was lotion? Are you sure you weren't the victim of some disgruntled employee at the lotion factory? (Actually with Purse I kind of wanted to ask are you sure you washed your stomach thouroughly when you were in the shower.) Lord knows that girl gets jizzed on the stomach about as often as other girls have a sip of wine and talk about Gossip Girl.

Purse on Oobs' burritos

Medium blows. Oobs has terrible taste in television. Bones? seriously? Can we say 'overacting?'? I mean, I humor her when it comes to 21 Jumpstreet because those lines are just too classic to pass up, but Bones? Really?

While we fight over the remote...

One burrito down, 23 to go. That's right. 24 god damned burritos. Why? Why? well. Let's just say it will take 24 burritos, a bikini wax and fake press pass for Oobs to get laid by the 2nd man of her dreams (Cocks ... er ... Cox is number one).

I am proud to say I will get to witness how all of this unfolds. If you're lucky, I'll share the experience with you...if you're really lucky, you'll get a burrito.

God I hate homeless people.

I Miss College

Biff and Oobs on Quag (Drunkmeier on break)

Dear Quag,

Now that spring break has come to an end we have the following suggestions about how one should behave on a spring break trip:

1) Don't piss out the window of a moving vehicle. Especially if that vehicle is driving on the freeway.

2) Hitting on every girl in sight is not alway the best policy especially when every girl in sight is under eighteen and accompanied by her parents.

3) Calling your ex girlfriend a ginormous cunt at four o clock in the morning will alert security. Be careful.

4) Subsequently calling that ex girlfriend back and professing your undying love for her will not get you back in her good graces especially when it is five minutes after you just called her a ginormous cunt.

5) Little irish men should not shove a drunken pedestrian who has stars shaven into his head outside his car window because the driver might get sucker punched in the face. (Biff says fuck you Quag I'm not your meat shield.)

6) Although golfing in the Florida sun is fun maybe next time you should take better care of your balls. Biff and ODB only have so many balls and they like to use them for themselves. (On a side note to ODB please don't call random female streetwalkers hookers because the driver might get sucker punched in the face.)

7) You are not as funny as Craig Ferguson, Chris Rock, or cancer.

8) If you smoke more than one pack of cigarettes a day then guess what you are... a smoker.

9) You should buy a toothbrush the first day you get to Florida, not the third day.

10) And finally, see Oobs most recent blog about the links between alcohol and cancer... although you should worry more about the effects alcohol has on being a douchebag.

Hugs and Kisses!
Biff and Oobs